Life is Messy

Let’s try this again

“Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted–a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” — Rabbi Harold Kushner

“The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people goin’ by
I see friends shaking hands saying, “How do you do”
They’re really saying “I love you.”
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know;
And I think to myself, What a wonderful world;
Yes, I think to myself, What a wonderful world.
Oh yeah!”
– Louis Armstrong

 

About a year ago, I was planning on starting my gratitude journal again. I had great results in the past and thought it would be helpful again going forward. Like a lot of my healing program last year,it was sporadic and lasted a couple weeks. I just wasn’t feeling grateful about anything. Most of what I was grateful for was in the past or was now tinged with sadness. Recently during my meditations the the suggestion came up to start a gratitude journal. That was 10 days ago. I have resisted. I honestly don’t feel anymore grateful today than I did a year ago. I am going give it a try. I started this morning. It seems mechanical. I felt nothing, I just wanted to get it over with. OK, being alive and my health are things to be grateful for and intellectually I know I am luckier than many, many people and can see miracle and beauty of the everyday,  But, trying to think about it and write it down just makes me think of all I don’t have.( even I am singing Let it Go! right now.) A lot of what I am grateful for is still in the past or is tainted by loss somehow. Nothing new, nothing that really makes me smile to record. Gratitude is an important step towards happiness and peace. This difficulty I am having just shows me I still have some healing to do.  It, like a lot of my healing and rebuilding year is a process. I will endeavor to persist.