I am sitting sipping a smoothie as I type this. Smoothies have become a big part of my day recently. It’s part of my new self care routine . By the way, I hate the expression self care and one of my friends has asked me not to use it anymore but it really is the best way to describe what I am doing.
One of my New Year’s resolutions was to make 2017 a healing year. To become less broken and begin to restore and revive myself mentally, physically and Spiritually. Foolishly I thought I was ready for this last year about the time I started this blog and bought the Cooking Solo book. I wasn’t. It got worse before it started to get better. I finally feel like it’s time. The best word to describe how I have been feeling is depleted. I no longer have the feeling of being overwhelmed constantly but the experience of the last year has left me feeling like a rusty old car on the side of the road not only out of gas but seized up due to lack of oil, flat tires, and a faded paint job. After fighting back to back colds all winter, starting to nap on weekends, gaining more weight and having heartburn almost every day I realized it was not going to go way on its own and I was going to have to actually take an active part in this resolution.
Mentally
I started with baby steps. A few minutes a day, I started practicing my French on Duolingo. I had used it before and I liked it because it only took a few minutes a day which was all I could handle. I picked French because I took five years in school so it shouldn’t be too difficult. It ended up being just what I needed. I have now done it 58 days in a row! I have even tested out of the easy beginning levels and now actually feel challenged. I even started German as well although I am still in the earliest phase.
Physically
I feel unwell most of the time. I look at myself and I look unwell. Not just because of the weight gain but I just see an unhealthy body. Yes, I walk the dog ( Leo) three times a day but it has not made me feel better. In fact, recently he has been waking up much earlier to go out and it has harmed my much needed sleep. Over the last few months just walking to the subway has exhausted me. I fell weak and tired. I have’t been eating especially unhealthily, I haven’t been drinking much alcohol, I drink lots of water and I go to bed early but I am exhausted. I have been repeatedly sick and I ache. It hurts to lean over to pick up the dog poop. Again, I am beginning with baby steps. I started adding more smoothies and pressed juices to my diet. I love both of these things so it’s not difficult. I have cut back on alcohol even more than before. I also started doing 10-15 minutes of yoga a day. You know you are out of shape when 10 minutes of easy yoga maxes out your heart rate. I just completed my ninth consecutive day. Do I feel better? Hard to say. I do feel less sore but would love a nap. I have realized that part of self care is being kind to myself. This means rest if I want to rest, take the subway instead of walking if I am too tired or it’s too cold. There will be time to push myself again in the future.
Spiritually
Since losing my mom, my relationship with God had been tenuous. When I am angry at myself I have been angry at him. I have tried to start praying again, but it just isn’t working. There are also many other reasons to reconnect but it isn’t time. About a year ago my GP recommended an app called Headspace, a meditation app, to me to help with the stress and depression. I downloaded it with all the right intentions, liked it and even paid for a subscription ,but just didn’t keep up with it. Again, I was trying to heal too soon. I decided to pick it up again in hopes to quiet my mind, regain my focus and alleviate some stress. You can start with 10 minutes a day. I have been doing much better this time. I have also completed nine consecutive days! Has it helped? I have no idea, but so far I like taking the 10 minutes a day to myself.
So overall how am I doing? In making an effort to do all these things everyday I feel like I am actually accomplishing something, like I am moving forward in some small way and creating something positive in my life. Will I keep it up? I hope so but I know it’s a journey and probably not a linear one. I wanted this blog to share my healing journey in case it could help someone else. Maybe now I am ready.