I have a confession:
This blog is both a product of and response to grief. I am hoping that my experiences may be helpful to others going through this. I lost my mom a few months ago and I have been really struggling with the grief. I don’t even think I have said the “D” word yet. I can use the word regarding others and in talking about estate planning at work but not about mom. Gone, passed away, and left us are some of the euphemisms I use but can’t bear the “D” word. I don’t know why, will it somehow make it more real? It is real whether I like it or not.
I was not prepared for the severity of my grief. I’ve lost many loved ones before ,including my father and grandmother. While I was very sad I was also a rock and able to be there for others and take care of the tasks that needed to be done. This is much different. From the moment I lost her I felt lost and alone, like a small ship in a vast angry ocean completely rudderless. I didn’t think it was possible to feel such pain and numbness at the same time. I wanted the world to stop, It just didn’t seem right that the world could move forward with out her in it. I also wanted time to jump to a year later when the rawness of the pain would be less and the details that you need to handle after a loved one passes would be handled. No such luck. I have to muddle through. No shortcuts. I also wasn’t prepared for the physical manifestations of grief. The aches, pains and exhaustion were overwhelming for awhile.
Those who know me know I handle almost anything by starting with research. I have reread Pema Chondron’s When Things Fall Apart and Coping with Uncertainty. I read C.S. Lewis and Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Then I started finding academic papers on grieving and a few on grieving in other cultures. I have a lot to say about these books but I will save that for later. I also signed up of an online support group but it it just made me feel worse. I will have try to have seperate posts for my coping strategies.
Grief will be a part of this blog for awhile. It is a part of me. It may not always be in the foreground but it will probably be in the background. I want it hopeful and uplifting. I am now navigating a new phase of my life. Losing someone makes you reevaluate many things. I really don’t know where it will lead.I hope you will join me on the journey.
Embrace the messiness. It doesn’t get much messier than grief.